Not Today Boys

Not Today Boys

So there I was.
Standing on the edge.
Feet scuffling pebbles
into the abyss below.
One shift.
One tiny shift in weight
and I would fall.

My life is not a movie.
There would be no
superhero to catch me.
No resilient awning
to bounce me back.
Just the hard, cold surface
of rock bottom.

In a way,
it called to me.
So much easier to fall than to fight.
I could lose myself…
and gain nothing.

In the not too distant past,
I would have let myself slip;
welcoming the familiar
pain and self-satisfaction
of mini-martyrdom.
As if falling into self-pity
was somehow noble,
wise,
deserving.

But today,
I am different.
I step back,
hug myself,
thank God for all the good in my life,
and walk away from the edge.
As my heart proudly whispers
“Not today boys.
Not today…”

This is a part of my “I can write/post whatever I want” freedom. Self-pity is a pit. A deep, dark pit of unnecessary negativity. I don’t step away from the edge every time but it sure feels great when I do. Do you know this edge? Have you heard the endless echo of the rocks falling beneath you into the darkness? What did you do? What stories do you tell yourself to back away from it? What stories do you keep in your heart to keep away from the edge altogether?

I’m not asking because I’m trying to get you to leave a comment (and therefore make my blog look more appealing). Please leave one if you have something to offer. I’m new to this kind of self-awareness. I’m mostly just curious about how other people stay sane. 🙂

As always, I’m grateful for your time. I’m grateful that you read my words. Sincerely. Namaste, my friend.

Love and Light,

Ginny

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9 comments

  1. I think you are just fine. There is strength in nakedness, and in admitting to yourself how much you’re suffering. I think days like those would later return to us and make us realize we have really lived… I know it’s no fun but every day we can grit our teeth and live through it is a day closer to the strongest and wisest we will be.

    Have a friend on speed dial. (You already have prayers in your pockets.) You are beautiful. And you will be just fine, I promise. 🙂

    Hugs from icy, windy Chicago!

  2. I think we all have stood on the edge of that abyss. Some of us more often than others, and many will never once admit it. Recognizing when you’re there, or perhaps better yet, getting too close to being there, is half the battle.

    What do I tell myself? “It’s my choice, I make the decisions, I pick the route.” So I am the one who can accept whatever has gotten me so close to the edge, acknowledge my own part, and step the heck back! I have found though, it’s not always so easy. Those damn pebbles keep falling, splashing into the far distant pit of darkness. Threatening to drag me with them. Thankfully I’ve managed to avoid that precipitous plunge.

  3. Two brief thoughts:
    1. Your writing and poetry are beyond beautiful. This poem made my heart ache.
    2. I feel more connected to you than ever, G. I just wrapped up a post, which will publish first thing tomorrow morning, where I describe – literally – being on the edge.

    Keep writing. Keep sharing your light and love.

  4. What do I do? Spend time feeling grateful.
    I started a “gratitude journal” a few years ago, as an antidote to negativity and stress during a very difficult time in my life. I write something in it every day, even if some days all I can muster is I’m grateful I was still alive today.
    When I’m in the grip of self-pity, I make myself read 5 minutes of daily entries. Somehow, it’s impossible for me to feel grateful and self-pitying at the same time.

  5. Can I offer another alternative? Standing on the edge is AMAZING! That is where all possibility exists. Have you heard the quote by Guillaume Apollinaire? It goes,

    “’Come to the edge.’
    ‘We can’t. We’re afraid.’
    ‘Come to the edge.’
    ‘We can’t. We will fall!’
    ‘Come to the edge.’
    And they came.
    And he pushed them.
    And they flew.”

    In my book, sanity is over-rated. You will be okay. ~Kathy

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