This is my last post. No snazzy picture. No clever quote. No tags.
Just me and my words.
Let me begin by saying that I am so grateful for all of you. Strangers, mostly. A few, distant friends through blog comments and emails – physical strangers nonetheless. Yet I am still grateful for you. Thank you for sharing this part of my journey.
You walked with me at a time when I really needed company. You shared words of encouragement. You helped me get more bold about putting myself out there. I had not realized just how fearful I had chosen to be before I started to post. I felt the need to express myself, but I held back some pretty important information. When I look back at my posts, I see just how guarded I was. How fearful, insecure, and cautious.
Before my thoughts became words, I anticipated negativity and criticism. So afraid that someone would see all the holes in my logic or disagree with my life choices. Someone I love very much helped me give this a name: Preemptive Defensiveness. In being guarded and fearful about what strangers might think about my life choices, I didn’t give them a chance to see me, my family, or my god. I didn’t give myself a chance to be open and honest with group of people I would probably never meet in person. I wrote with chains I chose to wear.
This is how I’ve lived my life for over thirty years.
But lately, things have been different. Very different. So different that my path is brighter, my soul feels lighter, and my life in general feels more full of purpose than ever before.
I’m going to tell you two things without apologizing. Please don’t take this the wrong way but I don’t care what you think.
1) I have been in a committed relationship with a brilliant, beautiful man for over fifteen years. After all this time, I’m still crazy about him. I wake up every day profoundly grateful that we are still together after all these years. He is my rock. Our relationship is…legally (and culturally) complicated.
2) I am a follower of Jesus Christ. I believe in His message of love. I believe he was the son of God, that He came to fulfill his purpose, performed miracles, was crucified for his radical beliefs, and I honestly believe he rose again.
I’m taking baby steps on a path of unashamed personal truth. I tread carefully. When I put my foot down, I find firm ground beneath my feet, light on my once-dim path, and voices of love and acceptance. So I take more steps.
And this is where we part ways, friendly strangers. I’m headed somewhere. Call it a spirit quest. When I get there, I’ll have things to share. Stories to tell. Stories about telling my story. If you’d like me to give you a shout out from wherever it is I’m headed, just leave a comment with your email address. It won’t publish. Only I will see it and I promise to never share your email with anyone.
PS I want to extend a special thanks to a group of women who have encouraged me along the way, took the time to leave the most comments (gotta love WordPress stats!), and inspired me with their writing:
Nancy, B, Kathy, Rose, Muhala, thank you. Thank you for being so supportive. You are beautiful beyond words. You are my favorite strangers. 🙂